Today is October 1st. YAY! This is my favorite time of the year, even in SoCal I work hard to find autumn because it’s my favorite season. And it’s probably cliche but Samhain is my favorite Sabbat too. So with it being the first of a new month I decided to start a new journaling project, which I’ll write about and share in a few days, But in the process of getting ready to do that I needed to find a journal to use. I have always had a bad habit of buying blank books and journals when I find one that I think has a pretty or interesting cover or ones that sort of look old or vintage. The big problem is that I’ll use one, maybe write or draw on 5-10 pages and then put it down and move on to another one. It’s hard to ever find a “virgin” journal in my dozens that I have. I did have one, a large leather journal with parchment looking pages that are gold leafed that I bought 2 of years ago. I used one and the other I kept in the package and wanted to wait to use it because I really liked it and wanted to use it for something special. So I decided today I’d take it out and use it for this project.
In the process of deciding that I wanted use I found a journal that I had used for a few months about 10 years ago when I was going through a really horrible relationship and I was trying to work out what as going on there by writing it out. I love the journal itself; it’s one of those tooled leather covers that you slip the blank black book in so you can replace the book if you want along the way (it’s one of the small Celtic styled ones from here and I really do love it). I opened it up and flipped through the pages I’d used and considered cutting out the pages and using this for my journaling project but the book is small and I wanted to use something bigger, which is ultimately why I picked what I did. But while I’m looking at what was in there I found a piece of poetry(ish) that I’d written at one point (it’s not dated) that I thought I’d lost years ago. That’s the danger of having so many of these damn books; you never remember where something that you wrote went! So I thought I’d share it, exactly as it was originally written. I haven’t done anything to edit or modify it, but I may rework it in the future. So here it is!
I had heard people speak of the Goddess
and all of her power
I decided to try and find her
So I went and brought some flowers.
I brought the flowers into my room
and searched in them for her.
When I saw no face and heard no voice
I thought what I was doing was just weird.
The next day I awoke with the sun
and decided to start my search anew.
So I visited an herbalist who makes special oils
incense, potions and brews.
I told her about my plight
and how I wished to find this Goddess.
I asked her to make me a blend or a tea
to give me a vision with promise.
The wise old woman mixed up my herbs
took my money and sent me home.
Visions, she told me,
I was sure sure to hone.
I added hot water
exactly one cup
I drank the tea and waited for her face in the steam
but nothing seemed to pop up.
The next day I went to a book shop dealer
to look for a book of spells.
Something to help find this Goddess
that so far was hidden quite well.
To her I gave twenty dollars
and to me she imparted this book.
But as her hand lingers when giving it to me
She said “You just need to learn how to look.”
I brought the book home and glanced through
and tried a meditation
I concentrated on the words on the page
but heard nothing which only added to my frustration.
The next day I read some more of this book
and read about magickal tools.
Wands, knives, bells and candles
All sorts of things that a Witch needs to handle.
I took all my money and went to the mall
I went to seek out these tools of magickal persuasion.
All I would need are these special items
and she’d be sure to make visitation.
I took home my new wand, my bell and crystal pentacle
I laid them out on a clean table.
My request would surely be met
I knew now I’d be able.
Around the room circling the table
I raised my wand and danced and chanted
paying attention to each word and movement
And with hope of heart I waited for my quest to be granted.
Again with my work came
no word and no sound
so I went to bed
and laid my head down.
As I slept I dreamt of a forest
and as I traveled the rocky path
I came upon a sandy beach
that was quite beautiful and vast.
the wind swept by
I turned my head to greet the breeze
and a vision caught my eye.
A woman with seaweed woven in her hair
dressed in blue and green.
And as I focused on her face
it changed to look like me.
“You have been seeking me
but you’ve been trying all wrong
I am not in a book
or a candle or wand.
I have been with you
from the begging of time;
every time you laugh
and every tear you cry.
You can search all you wish
trying to find me in the world
but I’m already inside you
and the spirit of every girl.
If ever you need me
just call me in your heart
for what you cannot find within
you’ll never find without.”
I know some of this is really sloppy and needs cleaning up on a technical level. And I think I may do a little work on it in the future because the concept and idea was something that I loved, along with some of the reflections of The Charge of the Goddess at the end. So I’ll need to work on that again I think. I’m just shocked I found it after all these years! 🙂