One of the hardest things to do is change yourself.  When you change things outside of yourself there is an element of detachment and a way of being able to look at things a little differently.  When you are trying to change yourself, to rebirth yourself and become who you have discovered you truly are, to start walking a different path in order to rebirth yourself into the life you feel you should be living, it can hurt like a bitch.  More so than you expect.  And it can feel a lot like you’re just swimming upstream and fighting against a current that you yourself created.  It’s that process of dealing with the pains of becoming who you are meant to be

These pains can range from slight annoyance to deep frustration to arms being thrown up in the air and screaming OH WHATEVER!!!

The source of the pain can feel like it’s coming from within or it can feel like it’s coming from other people…often when it feels like it’s coming from other people it’s because we’re projecting that feeling {call it not wanting to take responsibility for your feelings or a built in self defense but usually it isn’t other people making us feel bad during these things, it’s us}.

It can also be our perception of things too.

So what am I babbling about?  My own pains while becoming who I am.  And it’s not an easy thing to do.

In the last year I have spent a great deal of time try to figure out what I wanted to really be doing with my time, what I wanted to work on.  What should me “work” be?  Do I want to call it a “career” or just say it’s “what I do”?  And what is that exactly?

When I started to realize what it was that I really wanted to be doing and what I wanted to put my energy toward I almost had a heart attack.  I literally would feel my chest tighten, I’d get light headed, and I’d start to feel frustrated and frightened.  Becoming who I really was and who I wanted to be would mean changing the whole game of who I was and where I had been {seemingly} headed.

Crap on a cracker, that’s scary!!!

It all started to come together when I had two big lightening moments within days of each other.

I decided I was officially sick of the drama in the Pagan and Witch community.

And I started to feel like I was giving away far, far too much of my personal power and knowledge.

One thing that I have always been is a Witch for myself first and foremost.  Most people who know me and the work I’ve done up to now know that I rare work for other people {in the sense of casting spells and doing rituals}.  When I do there’s a reason that I’m doing it, usually because of the depth of the connection that I have with that person has me invested in what happens to them.

I have always been one that likes to teach others how to do magick themselves. I want them to learn to use the tools and techniques that I have that I know work so that they can be empowered to help themselves.  It’s more important to me, as a Priestess, to see people healed and empowered.  Something about doing magick for other people has always made me feel “off” and I’ve never liked doing it.  I’d rather teach people how to do the magick and how to live empowered than do it for them.

All of this had me evaluating what I’d been doing up to that point.  I was very publicly a Witch but I was spending all my time answering questions and helping people with things that, while I know important to them in the moment, seemed trivial to me.  And I also often found myself in a situation like this:

[box style=”light” color=”#ffffff” bgcolor=”#41c9ae” rounded=”true”]A woman comes to me looking for spells and a reading about getting an ex-boyfriend back.  When I ask her for the background about the situation she gives me a lengthy story about their break up and their difficult relationship.  She tells me how she’s never been able to really let him go and how she wants so badly to have him back.  When I ask when the last time was that she saw him she says several years go and that they really haven’t spoken in that time either and, as far as she knows, he’s with someone else.  But she has to have him back.

Why?  Why do you need someone back in your life that doesn’t want you and who is with someone else?  Rather than putting your efforts and energy into trying to break up that relationship and get him back, why not look deeper at what went wrong and see what lessons can be learned for the future?  Inevitably the answer is “No, I just want to get him back.  What can I do?”[/box]

This happens far more often than you might think and it’s something that, as a Witch, I get asked to do and work on very often.  I’m not invested in that.  Especially if I do a reading and find that you and this other person really need to be living your own lives because you’re just not meant to be.  When I was trying to do magick for other people as part of my “work” and I would work these cases just because it’s what was at my doorstep I always felt dirty getting paid for it.  So I stopped.

And now I found myself asking myself again, like I did back then, “What really matters to me?  How do I really want to be helping people?  What do I think the people I work with and who I come into contact with really need and can I give it to them?”  I found myself quickly realizing that being a working Witch might not be what I wanted to be doing.

So what am I re-birthing into?  Where am I headed?

First, understand this.  I will always be a Witch; that’s never going to change.  But I am a Witch for myself first and foremost.  So fear not, this isn’t me saying I’m hanging up my broom and going to church on Sundays.  However my work, my approach, what I do and what I create from this day forward is going to be different.  Very different.

My work that I’m doing from here on out is going to be more aimed at:

[list type=”small-star”] [li]Empowerment[/li] [li]Self-Love[/li] [li]Healing[/li] [li]Abundance[/li] [li]Law of Attraction[/li] [li]Metaphysics {in an overall sort of way}[/li] [li]Practical Magick {for everyone}[/li] [li]Working with Crystals {for healing and magick}[/li] [li]Meditation[/li] [li]Manifestation[/li] [li]Heart-based Business {I have an awesome eCourse coming on that}[/li] [li]Tarot and Oracle work[/li] [li]Reiki[/li] [li]Spirit Communication[/li] [li]Angel work[/li] [li]Honoring and Reconnecting to Nature[/li] [li]Goddess Spirituality {in general}[/li] [/list]

When I put out my survey last week as part of my discussion about creating an online community at least 95% of the responses were specifically about wanting to learn Wicca, how to be a Witch, and about “ancient Paganism”.  This isn’t the space I’m creating.  There are plenty of Witchcraft centered online communities already and I don’t want to create another space like all of these.  When I say I want to create a sacred space I have more than that in mind.  So this isn’t to say that I wont offer Wiccan or Witchcraft focused programs or classes as part of this community, but it isn’t my focus. {I even had several people say they didn’t want to see anything that had to do with healing because they just wanted to learn magick…this space will not be for you, I’m afraid.}

I have been working on the early states of the community.  It has a name, it has a vibe.  And it’s exactly what I had in mind and the input {so far} from others has helped a great deal…even if it isn’t what they are looking to see.  It’s not going to be for everyone but I know in my heart that it will be a place that is going to help so many and light up many souls.

But this community, like everything else I’m doing now, all that I’m creating and developing, is part of my work that does, at the end of the day, help me to be able to live, thrive, and prosper.

I have also come to a place where my main focus needs to be on those who want to invest in themselves.  Recently Leonie Dawson said something that has become my new motto in order to help my own spirit sing and to allow me to thrive and prosper…

[blockquote author=”Leonie Dawson” align=”right”]I’m no longer willing to work with women who aren’t willing to do the work or invest in themselves.[/blockquote]

You can change “women” to anything you want…men, women, Witches, Pagans, it doesn’t matter.  If you come to me looking for help and you can’t be invested in yourself {time wise, monetarily, etc} then I can’t spend so much of my time and my self being invested in your outcomes.  It’s really that simple.  That’s why I don’t do things like free readings or free classes anymore; people don’t value what they don’t invest it.  And honestly, what I have has value and I need to make a living just like everyone else.  If I didn’t do things like charge for my services and products and such, then I would have to get a “regular job” which means I wouldn’t be able to do what I do, help the people I help, and offer what I have to offer.  My authentic living means honoring myself and what I have to offer of value by treating it as such.

And that’s what I’m all about as I rebirth myself.

I’m re-birthing myself as a true Priestess who is focused on helping those that want to help themselves.  Empowering those that want change.  Helping those that are sick of wanting their life to kick-ass and who are ready to do something about it!  Sometimes that might mean a spell or two and other times it might mean just chilling out with your thoughts, a cup of tea, and a journal.  Call it woo-woo, but it works…and I’ve been helping people work both sides of that coin for some time {unbeknownst to many of those that just see me as “the Witch girl”} and seeing people totally transform their lives.

I’ve never been for everyone and I’m not going to be for everyone now.  In fact some of the people I was suited for before I might not be right for in the future.  And that’s a-OK with me.  I’m about to take a wicked awesome leap of faith that’s going to change everything.  I hope to see some of you at the bottom when I land.