In Wicca we talk a lot about “perfect love and perfect trust” (PLPT), a concept that is often misunderstood, at least in my opinion, by many people who speak of it like they do.  In The Wiccan Rede, when it was first published in 1975 by Lady Gwen Thomson, we see the line “Bide the Wiccan Laws ye must, In perfect love and perfect trust”.  It was a concept that was somewhat vague, but eventually came to be understood as the concept of acceptance and safety within a coven; it lends to the idea that within your circle you should feel safe to share whatever parts of you that you feel you need to share and that you should be working magick with people whom you hold deep trust in.  As a concept within a coven, this is an idea that makes sense, however it is outside the coven setting, used within the general Wiccan and Pagan community, where this phrase and concept seem to have become somewhat misused and misunderstood.  Some Wiccans and Pagans tend to have this idea that PLPT means never opposing another spiritual brother or sister, that we must sometimes come to a point of rolling over and letting things just fall where they may because if we do or say anything to push back at a fellow Pagan’s thoughts or opinions we are somehow violating PLPT.  There is also the notion that PLPT means always loving and always trusting those in the Craft as though you should never feel the need to hold them to the standards that you might hold others in your life up to.  I personally feel that the words themselves “perfect love and perfect trust”, not necessarily the concept, are more the issue and give a somewhat skewed impression.  To me PLPT is about grace.

What of the words “perfect” and “love”.  Perfect is a truly difficult and unattainable thing.  What is perfect for one person is not necessarily perfect for another.  When you look at the definition for the word “perfect” on the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, there are 8 different entries with a number of sub-entries for each.  The first definition states that “perfect” means:

1 a : being entirely without fault or defect : flawless b : satisfying all requirements : accurate c : corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept d : faithfully reproducing the original; specifically : letter-perfect e : legally valid

Right away we’re confronted with the idea of being without flaw.  Who is truly ever flawless?  What is flawless?  What might be a flaw to one person is an asset to another.  In the second part there is the idea of satisfying all requirements; but who determines these requirements and what are the criteria for meeting them.  And what is the ideal standard that needs to be upheld and where and how was that standard determined?  I think you can see where “perfect” itself becomes flawed and creates quite the tall order and while also being subjective.

In practical terms, the “perfect” Sunday for someone might be going out with friends to a sports bar, watching a football game while sharing a plate of buffalo wings and a pitcher of beer.  For me, this would be as far from perfect as you can get since I hate football and I’m a vegetarian (I’ll have the beer though).  Instead my idea of a “perfect” Sunday would be wading through a used bookstore, but for someone that isn’t a reader and doesn’t like old books, that would be a sort of torture for them.  So again, “perfect” is subjective.

But what about “love”?  Again we visit Merriam-Webster and find that “love” has 9 entries as well, but in the first entry it is defined as:

1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love

So “love” can be anything from feeling a strong connection to another person or thing, to a sexual attraction, to just common interest.  It is a quite a widespread definition and we would find that levels of love would vary based on the subject matter.  But, dictionary definitions aside, what is love truly?  Love is acceptance; it’s accepting someone or something, flaws and all.  Finding a true connection in that way is almost as difficult as attaining perfection because it’s just as demanding.

With these things in mind, thinking about “perfect love”, we come up to some difficult things to consider.  What makes the love we have for someone perfect and how do we honor that?  Should we say then that “perfect love” is accepting someone, flaws and all, as being flawless?  Do you then say “your flaws mean nothing and therefore you’re flawless in my eyes because I love you or feel a connection to you”?  Does this mean then that if someone has a flaw that hurts us that we should be accepting of it without question because we have framed them within the concept of “perfect” love?

Since “perfect” involves someone or something being flawless but “love” is really the acceptance of someone or something, flaws and all, could you say that the two almost cancel each other out?

Consider “trust”; Merriam-Webster has a 5 different entries here, but in the first defines “trust” as:

1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed

So here we could then say that to look for “perfect trust” in someone means to find flawless reliance on them as people.  And who can we say we have always, without question, even on their best days, found that from?  No matter how much you love your closest of friends or family or covenmates, even the ones that you think you can rely on the most have, at some point, not been reliable or strong in the way you have needed.

All of these failings are just human nature!  Just because someone isn’t perfect, isn’t always lovable, or isn’t always trustworthy doesn’t make them a bad person, it just make them human.  To expect perfection at all turns could almost be a way of setting yourself up for disappointment and for setting up others for failure because of their inability to meet these ideals.

But truly, that’s what PLPT is, an ideal.  It’s also something that’s quite subjective, as we’ve seen, and what one might accept as “perfect love” might be anything but that to another.  Being in the Craft without those orthodox, laid out standards it’s hard to say what truly and honestly is “perfect love and perfect trust”.

This is why, to me, I feel that this is a nice phrasing for something else; the concept of grace.  Again let’s look at a Merriam-Webster definition.  “Grace” is defined with 8 entries and in the first one we get the definition of:

1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

This makes me think of one of the spiritual aspects that we talk about in the Craft, that idea of recognizing the divine within each other.  We are giving a sense of divine grace or divine virtue from the Goddess and we talk about recognizing the divine in each other, often we even hear this as being part of what we’re trying to recognize through this idea of “perfect love and perfect trust”.  Another aspect of grace is approval and mercy.  When we are coming from a state of grace we learn to step back a bit from where we are and allow from for others to come to us with their ideas, their suggestions and needs while allowing our own needs to be set aside, letting their voices be heard loud and clear.  This is way to recognizance that they too have that divine spark and that their ideas, their suggestions and their needs are just as valid as yours.  You are under no obligation to agree with them, you are under no obligation to oblige them their requests, all you need to do is let them be heard, listen from the heart, and then work with them from a place of diplomacy.  There is no impossible standard to hold them up to and no need to feel disappointed when they fall short of perfection.  You allowed them a moment of grace and you gave yourself a moment to be graceful which can truly create a state of satisfaction because you let this happen through your own divine grace.

Grace is not any easier than PLPT but it’s more attainable.  Grace just means letting each person speak their truth, knowing that the Goddess knows the real truth, even if nobody else does and nobody else listens.  Everyone has their perfect truth that is their own and through grace we let them say their peace and we let the Goddess and the Universe work out the rest.  Grace is about faith and trust and love, but it’s not about perfection.