This is a tough, personal post that was really hard to write – at one point I even thought of not actually publishing it, but it feels like it’s something that just needs to get off my chest…so here we go!
Over the last few years I’ve had to dodge a question that I would get asked quite a bit. I just never had a good answer for it. I also didn’t think anyone would understand the answer I did have and I’d end up spending a bunch of time trying to explain things to people who didn’t really care. Most of all I didn’t want to sound like I was making excuses.
So what’s this burning question?
“How come you never make videos? Why don’t you have a YouTube channel?”
It’s horrible to say it and in fact finding the exact words to make it make sense to someone other than myself isn’t easy. So let’s start with this.
That’s me back in probably 1999. Those boots were INSANE.
Several years ago, around 2011, I was diagnosed with PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I had spent about 3 years prior becoming increasingly frustrated with my health and my body to the point where sometimes I found myself wondering if I had some horrible mental health issue about a distorted body perception that I didn’t understand or maybe I was going through early menopause. After some research I came across PCOS as a possible concern. So many of the symptoms fit my issues at the time. I made a doctor appointment to see what was what.
A week later I was off to the hospital for an exam. I’ve never been as scared as I was the day I had to go for my first ever transvaginal ultrasound to have my ovaries checked out. As I went through the godawful procedure the technician kept making it very clear that she couldn’t tell me anything or answer any questions {not that I had any at that point but if she kept bringing it up I was going to think I should be asking some}.
When she was done she told me to get dressed and I could leave, that my doctor would have the results in a few days and would be in touch. She left and I got up to walk to the bathroom to get dressed. I glanced over my shoulder and saw that the screen for the ultrasound machine was still on and pictures from my exam were on the screen. I couldn’t help it. I had to look.
What I saw were several pictures of little eggs {my ovaries} with purple dots all over the pictures noting what looked like black holes all around each one. Black holes is basically Jess-speak for cysts. And they were everywhere.
2002…with my favorite hair I ever had and when my eyebrows were still managable.
It took a month to get in touch with my doctor {they said they lost my number…how is that even possible}. When I did talk to someone – a nurse, not even my actual doctor – she told me, kind of coldly over the phone, that I had PCOS and that I would need to see a gynecologist next. I get a referral from the doctor’s office and I call to make an appointment. Then I find out it will be a month and a half before I can get an appointment there. I ended up not making an appointment because I was moving back to Boston and I figured I’d just deal with it when I got home.
I’ve only ever had a few really painful cyst bursts in my lifetime. And at the time I had no idea what it was {I just thought it was bad cramps} and found out later through all of this what it was. While the images from the ultrasound looked terrible it turned out a lot of the marks were past scars and it wasn’t as severe as my hypochondriac, ill-informed self thought from looking at eggs decked in purple dots on a little screen.
So how does this tie into the video thing? I mean, it’s not like my ovaries are going to be on camera saying hi!
It has to do with body shame.
The symptoms and effects of PCOS vary from person to person and naturally every woman who deals with this has her own experience. She has her own level of symptoms and deals with her condition in her own way. Of course, for me, I’m ruled by a very bull-headed Aries nature which has it’s ups and downs.
2007…this is when I was starting to have some noticeable issues with my health and my body.
The symptoms that affect me the most are a whacky menstrual cycle, which has also caused me to often suffer from low iron levels, facial hair growth, and the biggest problem {no pun intended}, a weight problem. For me this has manifested as a gradual weight gain over the last handful of years with a near impossible ability to lose any of it. Regardless of how much I do to change my diet or lifestyle I may, at best, lose 20lbs.
On top of the whole PCOS thing right around the same time, I’d had a pretty nasty ankle injury {which I talked about in a guest post on the Wild Sister blog} that left me with some permanent nerve damage in my left leg. If I walk too much or do anything too strenuous on my feet my ankle swells up so it looks like there’s a baseball sticking out the side and I can’t feel my leg from hip to toe. Pas bon!
As I keep gaining weight and as life becomes a little more tricky every day, physically and mentally at times, I find myself not terribly interested in being in front of a camera – to be honest most days I have no interest in being in front of people.
And then this happened…
A “friend” said to me “nobody wants to take life advice from a fat person” and I think that wedged into the back of my brain more than I thought.
Bonjour! Now it’s March 2014 and yikes!
So I’ve been hiding in many ways. Hiding because I’ve been ashamed at having reached my heaviest weight in my life and being horribly uncomfortable in my own skin. Ashamed that I haven’t got the magic touch to fix it. Ashamed that the more weight I’ve gained and the more my body changes and has gotten out of hand the less confident I feel in my message of change and spiritual empowerment because it makes me feel like I don’t have control over my own life.
I am slowly on a path of personal healing and change. This is truly the first real step – sharing what is hurting inside and getting in the way of my life so I can let it go.
I can hear some of you and what you’re thinking…
But you could get treatment…
There are surgical options…
Just go vegan!
There are treatments and I’ve talked to a few doctors about them but they aren’t always the answer. There is no cure for PCOS only symptom management. You can take hormones and medication but they don’t work for everyone…and I had a bad experience with birth control hormones in my 20s. Lifestyle changes like diet and exercise are the best things to do. Even losing the 20lbs that I usually lose is helpful but there’s no guarantee that I’d lose much more. That’s up to my body.
Surgery isn’t always an option and it isn’t for me. My case isn’t serious enough to warrant it.
And this is where things have ended up now. But hey, at least I’m trying to smile! 🙂
Being vegan may be helpful but not necessarily a fix. I’ve been vegan, I’ve been vegetarian, I’ve even done a brief dance with being raw. All of these have resulted in the usual 20lb loss which is normal when you go through that kind of diet change. {Did you know the average person carries 10lbs of waste at any given time? Yikes!}
I’ve been reading Kris Carr’s Crazy Sexy Diet off and on. I also have her Crazy Sexy Kitchen and Crazy Sexy Juices books. I’m hoping to do a 20 day cleanse soon once I know if my husband and I will be moving again soon {we’re looking to buy something in the next few months}. I know that I, personally, can’t concentrate on that sort of transition while packing and preparing to move.
Either way, it’s time for some serious changes but it pains the control freak Aries in me because no matter what I do there are no promises. I just want to be comfortable in my body, even though I know that means I’m going to have to readjust to a different body, one that isn’t like it was a few years ago but hopefully one that is different than what I have now.
I’d like to think that healing needs to start elsewhere, mainly from within. Learning to accept that if nothing ever changed and I remained 300lbs with a busted ankle and a leg with nerve damage and an increasingly troubled lower back, can I be OK with me? Do I have to hide from the world if that’s just who I am?
I keep trying to remind myself “I am not my body” but it’s hard.
Maybe instead I just need to see myself fat with possibilities, ideas and knowledge rather than just fat with fat.
Maybe I can take my problem leg and sore back as messages from my body that my time for running around and being in a constant state of movement and transition is over and it’s time to just settle down.
One of the shamanic practitioners I work with gave me a message from spirit a few months ago that was interesting. She said she was told that if I didn’t have this body I wouldn’t be doing the world I’m doing and that what I’m doing is very important work. That made perfect sense because it’s very true.
But over the last few years the weight has come on my face has changed and over all I feel like a big blob that’s a weird version of my former self. Doing things like videos are really difficult because I’m forced to really deal with this stuff even more. And besides, “nobody wants to take life advice from a fat person.” It’s hard for me to see one person on the screen who isn’t at all the person I see in my head – in my head I’m still 200lbs and fairly healthy. And admittedly 15 years younger.
I have no answers to what’s ailing me right now. Instead I just feel the need to share the real story behind a struggle that I’ve thus far kept private. We all have something we’re struggling with and right now this is my struggle.
And now you know why I don’t do videos, and why my Instagram account is full of cat pictures. 🙂
You know, people that say things like that usually have a problem themselves. However, speaking from personal experience, it doesn’t matter why they said it. It sticks with you, whispers in your ear whenever you try to do something new or possibly “out there,” and generally never goes away until you can find a way to turn it around without pity for yourself or them, anger (the hard one for me), or sadness. If I were more prosperous, I would do so many of your things. And just going from your tarot class, I can tell you that you are one of the most engaging people I’ve ever dealt with in a class or other setting. Part of the reason I hardly ever write or become involved in things I love is because of similar issues to you. It’s no way to live, and perhaps a person that can’t get past the physical needs to figure that problem out somewhere else before they are ready to work with you. You are pretty awesome, and I think that inner self is really what people see when they look at you, no matter how you perceive yourself. Thanks for all you do!
Jess, you are beautiful, inside and out. What a wonderfully, authentic, vulnerable post. Your ‘friend’ doesn’t know what she’s on about. I’d much rather take life advice from someone who has been put through the ringer than someone who was a particular body size. You seem to know yourself, and you are wise. That’s what counts. Power to ya! xoxo
I love you. I could care less what you look like although you’re very much beautiful to me. I have not wanted to go to the doctor but it has a familiar ring to it. I dunno, but I do know I know exactly how you feel. Really, exactly. So I’m here as always. 😉
Check out The Happy Herbivore and Dr. McDougall! (hugs)
Thanks, Stephanie. 🙂 Right now I have more than enough diet suggestions for when I’m ready to focus on that. I’m beyond stoked on Kris Carr and her stuff {and it’s far healthier than the veg/vegan stuff I’m used to}. But I totally dig Lindsay’s stuff and keep an eye on her blog and recipes and I’m also a Tone It Up member, which is another program that I love for veg/vegan/healthy lifestyle. I was vegan for 2 years and veg off and on for 6 years. So this is well covered territory. 😉
I wish I had a magic potion that could wipe those words out of your brain forever. You’re beautiful and you are doing good work. {{HUGS}}
Well if nobody wants to take life advice from a fat person I’d better pack it all in right now! You know that’s a bunch of BS and so do I, most of the people I’ve gotten advice from are not skinny minnies. I’m glad you decided to go ahead and post this, even though we don’t have exactly the same problems I can certainly relate to what you wrote!
Thank you so much for sharing Jess!
First of all: You are not your body, and I can’t believe your “friend” said what he or she said! Unbelievable.
You should make videos if your want to make videos, just do it. I know there’s an audience out there who might be struggling with the same or similar issues, and you have shared them beautifully!
I also hope you and your husband find a lovely place to live soon too X
Thankyou for sharing what you’re struggling with right now. Screw “perfect” coaches. Our struggles give us a story through which we can connect with and inspire others.
I can relate to so much of your post. I also have PCOS, only diagnosed 18 months ago but thankfully I don’t have too many noticeable symptoms (apart from trying to conceive for over a year before I was successful).
I also feel nervous on video, even though I’ve done a few. I have crooked teeth. If I’m talking, you notice it. I can’t stand to watch myself but I persevere through the discomfort and record a video every now and then (not too close though!).
And, in regards to excess weight… I’m probably not telling you anything you don’t already know but remember that diet is only a small factor. Spiritually speaking your body is using weight to “protect” you. And sure, you can use ‘force’ (like dieting, juicing, etc.) to shift some of the weight, but like you say, you don’t get past a certain point because your body isn’t ready to let it go. My advice would be to eat intuitively – WITHOUT GUILT! Enjoy your food, love your food. Then seek out a spiritual approach toward self love and peace with your body.
All the best xx
Jess – There’s so much I want to say, but I’ll start by thanking you so, so much for sharing your heart here – your vulnerability, your honesty, your truth. It gives us all permission to do the same. You are putting so much goodness into the world, and whatever you decide about video in the future, know that your message is reaching so many. Know that you are making a difference. You truly are. You’re absolutely right when you say that we are all working through our own things, and your talking about what you’re currently experiencing is going to open up the conversation for others to join you – to support you. You’re shining light on your deepest fear, which will help diminish it. I’m sending you tons of love and a huge high five for your beautiful bravery. I am inspired! And I can’t wait for your videos – if and when you’re ready to record them, I’ll definitely be watching! <3
What a beautiful, beautiful post and I’m so sorry you are having such a difficult time. You are speaking up and by doing so helping others to feel better or do the same. You are the beautiful and magical essence that is inside you no matter what size you are but it’s also ok and normal to not feel good about being in a body that doesn’t feel like yours. Sending you lots of love and healing, Karina
I think the sickest/darkest times of our lives are the best learning experiences and biggest change-creators. Even though it barely feels that way when we are going through the darkest patch. I have been through the dark side, and I’m on my own ‘journey to a better life’ and this past year, I’ve lost a heap of weight naturally through absolutely flooding my body with nutrients & a gradual mindset adjustment.. I didn’t starve, and I wasn’t trying to lose weight – I didn’t care about that, I wanted to live! To be the example for my family. I flooded my body with a (mostly) plant-based diet. I still eat meat, I eat whatever I want actually, but I choose to eat things that make me feel alive, that make me feel vital and energetic, and make me feel like I’m moving ‘towards’ health and away from disease.
I think mindset is the most important aspect of anything now and if I hadn’t got so deathly ill, I wouldn’t of completely changed my life.
I used to chase money and wealth and live in my 4 walls, noone knew who I was, and I was going to die not knowing what people would say at my funeral “she was a hardworker? she was dedicated? she was “too busy for anyone”?- but I knew that noone knew who I really was inside, and that bothered me the most. That I wasn’t living authentically, and that I had nothing to leave as my ‘legacy’.
I used to think I was speaking my truth, but when I really, really started speaking my truth – the crazy stuff that I kept hidden deep down, whilst discovering who I am.. that’s when more truth was revealed. Everytime I ‘really’ speak the truth – the scary stuff – the stuff that makes you want to not click on ‘publish’ – that’s when I get the next piece of the puzzle ‘revealed’ to me. With each truth I share, a new truth is revealed soon after.
Being frightened about what ‘other people think’ of you is not the scariest thing – it does feel like it, but I realized it’s actually ‘being fearful of what you think of yourself’, things your subconscious is still trying to protect you from, things you have buried that isn’t necessarily your truth, but things you haven’t yet ‘dealt’ with / removed the ‘charge’ from. I’m still working through negative beliefs of ‘I’m not good enough’ type messages, but have tools and ways of dissipating them now (but always love learning new ways to explore, because I know I still have a few gremlins in there that I am yet to deal with). I love unravelling and learning who I really am and practicing this new authentic way of living, even when it seems pretty isolating sometimes (like I’m the only ‘sane’ one or the only ‘insane’ one lol.. depending on what I’m ‘revealing’ or exploring at the time).
No matter what anyone says.. it doesn’t ‘hurt’ unless some part of you feels there is some kind of truth to it. That’s what gives you a hint onto what you can work on. You can think to yourself ‘oh, that’s intriguing, I actually felt something negative when you said that, wonder why I felt that way? Goodie – something new to work through’.
e.g. If someone came up to me and said “You are a little dancing purple squirrel with yellow spots”.. I would look at them oddly and maybe they might get a smirk or a laugh out of me because of how ridiculous it is… how “untrue” it is… there are no emotional ‘charges’ from things that sound ridiculous. The only words from others that ‘affect’ me negatively are things that I haven’t yet recovered from.. there is only an emotional charge, when some part of me fears or thinks there is truth to it (even if we’re not conscious of it, it might be something we hid from ourselves for our own protection earlier, or an actual incorrect/wrong belief that we haven’t ‘let go of’, maybe from a parent or someone we once trusted with wisdom; a belief we have taken on that has absolutely no truth to it, but yet somehow our subconscious mind thinks there is because of where/when the message was first received).
However you get through that, whatever tool or practice you use, (maybe even clicking ‘publish’ on this post was already the solution for you), you can now choose to deal with whatever part of you is holding on to that negative belief if you are ready. I use EFT or Energy Healings, ‘quiet reflection’, or sometimes trying to see things from other people’s perspectives (where are they at in their journey, why did they say that, what beliefs are they holding onto that makes them think it’s right to say that), or just ‘observing the show’, watching myself like watching a movie, observing why a certain word from someone even had a negative-charge, sometimes it’s more to do with them, than me – i.e. not so much a negative charge sometimes, but rather an ’empathetic’ charge instead.
The other week, a complete stranger was able to rattle me, I felt it everywhere but especially in my gut. I was shocked because I’ve been in such an awesome head-space lately and life was going along great, I could see the good in everyone, have love for everyone, could see the reality unfold before me and everything was so clear & wonderful, and then ‘bam’, this completely stranger says he doesn’t want to be my friend (in different words – nastier), and I felt defensive, felt all sorts of emotions come up in me, and old child-like emotions come up inside me “don’t you know who I am?” lol. I knew that I didn’t want to be friends with someone who was horrible as a human being anyway, but because I was in a place where I saw all of us as being ‘connected’, as ‘one’, and had been living life as pure love, I was astonished that I had tried to connect with him thinking I was connecting with another fellow awakened soul, yet finding out he was actually a ‘meanie’, and then surprised with myself that I couldn’t just laugh it off straight away. I did an energy healing on it, and there is no emotional charge attached to it anymore, I can read his messages again and feel nothing. And realize that my shock was just because I had been trusting my intuition so much lately & been attracting all sorts of awesome beings to me, that I thought this guy was on the same path as me, just because he happens to be a member of the same groups on FB. I appreciate the growth lessons in my spiritual journey that I come across, anything that gives me a charge or ‘clue’ to what next will be revealed, about myself, and about all those we are connected to.
As far as doing videos, I’m in a similar position as you are. I’m sharing my journey through my blog, but I really want to start doing videos and podcasting. Podcasting first.
Two Reasons…
1.) Part of my health journey meant going chemical free ‘ala natural’ and so I don’t wear makeup, and without makeup, I kinda look like a drug dealer lol so I have also held back on the video making until a time when I don’t have any charge against what ‘other people might think about me’ (or to be more truthful.. about what “I” think about myself). I think that will come naturally after I have started the podcast, and after I do a 30 day video challenge. Baby steps 🙂
2.) Words don’t ‘flow’ for me. When there is a microphone on, or even when I’m writing, I get brain-freezes when I can’t think of what to say next, or what I was about to say. This I think will be remedied after a I do a total body cleanse. For the next 12 months, I’m going to detox every organ. A mission to ‘get my brain back’ 🙂 And to be an inspiration to others who think they are dying with the disease I had.. I want to show them there is hope, that the doctors are wrong, that we create our own reality, and we have the power to turn-around our health by just moving towards health step-by-step.
Loving the journey, and loving your post 🙂
And I learnt something more about myself from my response to you so that’s good too lol 🙂
I’ve had health struggles for the last 20 years making it hard to take the weight off. But for me it’s not as hard as for someone with PCOS. I was bullied for 11 years in school, so I know what getting other people’s opinions pushed down your throat feels like.
People who don’t know what they’re talking about, and who only have nasty things to say, should keep their flippin mouth shut!
You’re a beautiful woman, inside and out. Don’t let them tell you differently. And what you have to say is much more important than their opinions. People will take advice from those they trust. Anyone with a brain doesn’t care about the size of that person. You keep doing your good work Jess, and things will work out. Who knows, they might find a cure tomorrow <3
You are such a beautiful woman!! Both inside AND outside! 🙂
Yup, agree with everything that everyone else said. You’re so awesome, in so many ways, and we’re all very lucky we have the opportunity to interact with you and get to enjoy your wisdom. Like some other ladies have commented, none of us is perfect…who we are is of far more importance and relevance than whether we look like Barbie dolls. You’re gorgeous, the way you were and how you are now.
Love this article 🙂 Not take advice from a fat person? WTH? I’m a fat person and people come to me for advice all the time! Just not advice how to lose weight. LOL You are gorgeous and I love your advice. By the way, I’ve been a vegan for 1 1/2 years, but thanks to being a really good cupcake baker and lover of bread & pasta, I am still 215 lbs,
Thanks for sharing really. People will connect with you more because you did. And I agree with the others, you are not your body. Have you considered trying acupuncture? I don’t have problems to the same degree that you do, but I have had major PMS and menstrual problems and acupuncture really helps me. Anyway just thought I would suggest it.
Your post has come at a time that I was questioning so much about myself. I was told by my doctor also about a year and a half ago that I have PCOS. I refused going to a GYN and refused to accept the diagnosis. Steadily I’ve gained weight in the last year and just recently leveled out and staying there. I am looking into a holistic approach hoping for better results…plus summer is near for more outside time. Yeah!!!! Thank you so much for sharing. I understand how hard it is to deal with and accept. You’re an inspiration. Much love and blessings!
I honestly don’t understand why people feel the need to equate weight with ability to help others. What a terrible thing for your ‘friend’ to say. And I’m so sorry.
I struggle with my weight too (have done since I was a teen) so I know how it feels when your body doesn’t match the image you have in your head.
You’re a beautiful woman and I appreciate your honesty and rawness. *hugs*
Wonderful post – I am in your camp 100% about the importance of honesty, being true to our stories – no matter if we don’t exactly ‘like’ it (and those ‘icky’ ones are usually where the pay dirt is) – and that there are tremendous gifts of healing both for ourselves and others in doing just that. Brava, Jess, keep on rocking on! Love to you!
Putting oneself out there is one of the toughest things to do… been there. It can be so very hard, but will release things (and people!) who no longer serve. Jess, you are brave and beautiful.
Sending lots of (((HUGS))) and <3's Your shiney self glows bright, you know <3
So proud you were able to break out and share this. I have had PCOS since I was 13, and I was put on birth control then. I had to go off it when I was in a car wreck in 2006, shattered my left knee, blood clot, surprise baby, and so on. I’ve had an IUD since 2007 because I have literally no other options and it’s surprisingly made quite a difference for me.
I hear you. Thanks for sharing. I have been through so much with my ovaries too, I really know how tough it can be.
Thank you so much for sharing, Jess. I personally don’t want life advice from somebody who has coasted through. I’m an alcoholic, diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and a survivor of domestic abuse and rape. In the last 6 years (as of 4/8) I have overcome all of that, and am now in the process of quitting my full time job to do light work full time. It’s people like you who deal with what comes their way, and who keep going on and helping others while they’re dealing that inspire me.
I have admired you and all that you do for ever since I first found your site. Knowing how much personal stuff you’re dealing with, while you still reach out to everyone else is just awe-inspiring.
Sending hugs and energy for you to use in whatever form will help you best.
I love you, Jess!
Hi Jess. Thank you for sharing this with us.. I relate to you in so many ways. I’ve experienced hindering chronic issues that have kept me from being my true self. Fear can be crippling…
While I read your story, I kept getting this big “tell her about the body ecology diet, it’ll help her” feeling. I know you’ve tried all these other diets that haven’t worked for you. This is more of a lifestyle change than a diet.
I suffered from multiple chronic issues due to Candida overgrowth and following this diet has not only helped with most of these chronic issues, but it’s also kept me at a target weight. The key is sticking to it. The food you eat is actually super nutritious and it tastes good. You soon learn the combinations and are able to simply create yummy dishes.
My heart and solar plexus chakra is giving me a very strong yes! like, STRONG YES!
I hope you give it a chance. It might be just what you’ve been looking for. 🙂
I’m here if you want to chat. 🙂
Thanks for your open and honest share Jess. You are definitely beautiful inside and outside. I have just started to create YouTube videos to journal health changes I’m making in my life at the moment. I put off doing this because I was embarrassed about getting in front of the camera. Partly because my profile picture is some 7 years old and definitely a slimmer me. I didn’t want people to see what I was really like now.
A few days ago I posted a video letting people know that I used to stop myself from going to social events because I did not want people to see that I’d put on weight. I missed a very important event because of this and I wasn’t there for a very close friend. My self talk now is that it is not all about me. If I am a friend then I should be there for them and not stop myself because I am worried about how I look physically in front of their eyes.
Great to see you Jess. I visited your website today by chance and as I looked through some of your posts I felt that I wanted to visit more often because I liked how you share the spirituality stuff. For the last 30+ days I’ve been videoing my daily progress – Mind Body and Soul Daily Journal – 15 min Meditation, 15 min Walking, Motivational input, Drinking 2 litres of water and Healthy eating. I shall be coming back to your blog for spiritual input.